May God’s peace and blessings surround us.
I’m writing you from my room, with a chest, tight and a tongue, tied. I feel scared, rejected and repulsive.. I can’t look in the mirror. But i’m still writing you because however low my state, however dark my face, you stay.
Oh Prophet, where do I begin?
Astaghfiruk. I beg your pardon.
Because if you saw (and I’m sure you see) the way i speak to my parents, you would weep. You wouldn’t look at me. And if im not good to them, then im not really good to anyone. But I am begging your gaze. Astaghfiruk.
I claim to love you. It’s everywhere. On my whatsapp, on my facebook.. And I think I do! I really hope I do! It’s dreadful thinking i’m being in love with the idea of being in love with you. Oh but you’re so easy to love! How can I not? I hope I’m wrong.
I don’t want to upset you with this letter. In fact, I don’t want to upset you ever! Let me share with you the little good news I have. I found my inheritance! I found my share of Muhammad ﷺ and I’m so happy about it. I knew it was too good to be from me, that it had to be from you! Thank you for this present! I love it! But I want more – forgive my manners: i want your shyness — i especially want your shyness. And i want your kindness, and your sweet sacred sadness. i want your harmless humour and how composed you are in anger. i want your aching feet at night, your raw tears, your gapped smile. I want your constant Remembrance and God-consciouness. I want the way your heart never sleeps. I want it all – not to feel good about myself nor to feel better than others! But because these gifts come from you, Beloved! And if, I can’t see you, I at least want to see in me more of you.
May Allah send His peace, blessings, mercy your way.